Do you want to build better money management habits but struggle with basic tasks like budgeting and goal-setting? Do you wonder why this stuff comes so easily to other people but not to you? Does thinking about money stress you out? If so, this article is for you.

What is Money Anxiety?

It’s normal to feel anxious about money sometimes, but money anxiety is more than that. Money anxiety is when you find it so stressful to talk about or manage your money that you struggle to meet your basic financial obligations today, let alone plan for the future.

You might be inclined to believe that money anxiety only affects people with low income, but 10 years of working one-on-one with clients has taught me money anxiety can affect anyone, including the wealthy. I myself experienced money anxiety early in my career. When you work in finance in Toronto, there’s an expectation that you look and act wealthy, even if you’re not. I felt a ton of pressure to spend my money on things I didn’t necessarily value like cars, clothes, and expensive nights out, even if it meant I wouldn’t have anything left over to save or invest or further myself financially. I hated checking my bank account after a night out, and I avoided tasks like making a budget because it stressed me out. It didn’t matter that I was making okay money; I still felt like I was on a runaway train to nowhere and just not in control of my financial decisions. In short, I had some major money anxiety.

While it’s true that money anxiety is sometimes brought on as a result of financial constraints such as having too much debt or not enough income, there are plenty of other reasons people get stressed about their finances. Some of my clients make good money but struggle to get organized because they have ADHD and lack the ability to focus on money-related tasks. Others have strong savings habits but experience high levels of stress/decision paralysis when trying to make a plan or decide what to do with their money. If you grew up in an environment where money was scarce, if you got bullied, have a neurodivergence, mental health challenges, or a history of trauma, you might also have money anxiety.

Do I Have Money Anxiety?

Here are some signs you might be suffering from money anxiety:

• You avoid checking your bank accounts
• You forget to pay bills on time
• You struggle to complete tasks like creating a budget or filing your taxes
• You have a tendency to impulse buy and spend money on things you know you can’t afford
• You struggle to make financial decisions and/or future plans
• You constantly compare yourself and your financial situation to others
• You tell yourself things like you are bad with money and you’ll never have what others have

The frustratingly ironic thing about money anxiety is it can quite literally hold you back from doing the things you need to do in order to improve your financial circumstances. It’s like standing in quicksand and knowing all you have to do is lift your foot and step out but for some reason, you just…can’t.

The good news is this isn’t quicksand and you actually can step out…you just have to learn how. Here are some tips I give my clients to help them overcome (or at least better manage) their money anxiety.

1. Understand what’s happening in your brain

Let me preface this by stating the obvious that I am a financial planner not a therapist and am therefore neither equipped nor qualified to offer mental health advice. I am, however, a neurodivergent who has done a fair share of trauma therapy and so I’m well acquainted with what the window of tolerance means and does.

In short, the window of tolerance describes when our nervous system is in its optimal state. We are present, adaptable, and engaged. When we are operating in our window of tolerance we’re able to handle our emotions and stress in healthy ways and respond effectively to challenges. When we’re faced with more stress than we can handle it can push us out of our window of tolerance, either to a state of fight or flight, which makes us feel things like panic, fear, worry, and irritation, or immobilization, where we get fatigued and dissociate and/or shut down. The wider your window of tolerance, the more stress you’re able to handle before you become dysregulated. If you have money anxiety chances are that when you try to do a money-related task such as making a budget, you’re getting pushed out of your window of tolerance, elevating your stress and making it near-impossible to concentrate and/or think clearly about what it is you’re trying to do. So yeah..if it feels like you’re fighting an uphill battle, it’s because you are.

2. Quit the negative self-talk

Everyone’s window of tolerance is different. Each of us has our own stressors and triggers that are born from our own unique story and experiences. What was your relationship with money like growing up? How much money did your parents have? Did they talk to you about it? Did anyone teach you how things like ADHD or depression can affect your money habits and guide you through managing the risks? All of these are circumstances that can deeply impact your feelings around money and, read this twice, all of these are circumstances that are not your fault. It’s also entirely possible that your money stress stems from something in your history that might not even have anything to do with money. Stop accusing yourself for not knowing skills that weren’t taught to you, or for learning to survive difficult situations with what tools you did have. Give yourself permission to wipe the slate clean and stop beating yourself up for things you didn’t do. Your fresh start begins now.

Side note: if you find this highly relatable and you’d like to explore more about how your life story is affecting your money habits I highly recommend Ellyce Fullmore’s book “Keeping Finance Personal: Ditch the “Shoulds” and the Shame and Rewrite Your Money Story.” I love it so much I buy copies for all my new clients who I think could benefit from reading it. Available here: https://queerdco.com/book

3. Take small steps

As I said before, when you have money anxiety, trying to do even the smallest money-related task has the potential to push you out of your window of tolerance, thus preventing you from being able to complete said task. If we learn to recognize when we’re operating within our window, and identify signs we might be leaving it, we can then start to pinpoint optimal times to work on our financial to-do list, and when it might be time to stop. One way to accommodate a narrow window of tolerance is to make your financial to-do list more manageable by breaking it up into bite-sized chunks. For example, if you’re working on creating a budget start by just making a list of your monthly income and expenses and then let that be it for the day. The next time you’re feeling motivated come back to your list and write down the dates your various bills are due, and note whether they come out automatically or whether you have to pay them manually. Whatever it is you’re working on, once you start losing focus or feeling overwhelmed, give yourself permission to stop and come back to it another day. There are lots of informative sites with tips on how to get to know your own window of tolerance and identify personal triggers. Here’s one that might serve as a good starting point: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/window-of-tolerance Side note: I’m currently in the process of developing a personal finance tool designed to help normal people of all income levels and life stages organize their day-to-day money management and eventually work towards making bigger picture money decisions. This guide will be divided into small sections that can be completed in an hour or less so you can easily leave it and come back to it as often as you need. Click here if you’d like to be notified as soon as it becomes available (likely June 2024.)

4. Talk to someone

Sometimes it can feel like everyone around you is thriving and you’re struggling alone. I don’t know why there’s so much public shame around money or why it’s so taboo to talk openly and honestly about it because we’re all struggling with something. I 100% can confirm that you are not the only one out there putting up a front about your financial situation. In fact, chances are people you know who you think have it all together, are actually experiencing a lot of the same problems. I think we’ll all be in a much healthier place when we can feel free to be more transparent with one another about money. Despite what you may think, there are people in your life now who want to talk about their money worries too. Finding a safe space to share your thoughts and fears is life changing under any circumstance, and finding a place do that with money is no exception. If there’s someone in your life you feel comfortable with I would encourage you to try starting a conversation with them. I’m not saying you should open with one of your deepest insecurities, but you might be surprised what conversations are born from a simple comment like “the cost of groceries has gotten outrageous” or “I’m trying to make this financial decision but am feeling stuck”.

5. Ask for help

If you’re feeling severe overwhelm and don’t have someone in your life you feel comfortable talking to, it might be time to ask for help, and hey; there’s no shame in that. In fact, you’re taking a meaningful step towards building a better relationship with your money (and yourself), and that’s something to celebrate. If your struggle is mental health related definitely seek out a therapist or look up affordable counseling services in your area. If your stress is mainly centered around finance though, it might make more sense to hire a financial professional. I know this is intimidating for a lot of people so I wrote an article with tips on how to find a financial professional who’s right for you. You can read it here.

If you’re in Canada you are so welcome to contact me! Click here to send me a message or if one-on-ones aren’t your jam you can also try my free financial health assessment here.